on a good day
I’m feeling good. This is ironic since I don’t have a yaya again. Temporarily, at least. A family member is sick so she had to take an emergency leave. This happens to me quite regularly, about twice every year I suppose. Yaya Mila always comes back though, so i don’t worry about it anymore. I’ve gotten used to my life crumbling down every time she leaves. I just hope she’s back soon enough. I have a movie date with girlfriends coming very soon. And it’s exhausting you know, to come home to household chores after a long day at the office. What’s wonderful though is that my daughter Tara has been an excellent helper these past few days! Yesterday she helped us carry the groceries out of the car, and then later sorted out most of them. She now showers independently, she helps cook rice, and this evening she helped me clean the house. I am just so happy that she’s seriously able to help.
I feel glad even if I’m exhausted. I have nothing to complain about. Work is good and friends are so much fun. The new boss whose reputation terrorized us for a while, is turning out to be really brilliant and inspiring and quite funny too. My family is more than okay, they have been granted their US citizenship. My brother is just wonderful and I always look forward to our regular talks that are hilarious and heartwarming at the same time. And my husband …I can think of so many words to describe how he makes me feel but they will all sound too cheesy..so i’ll just put it this way..I’m really so into him.
Life will not always be this way. Just like what a friend once said “Happiness, just like sadness, is temporal.” Some days will be bad. But today is good. So let me mark it with this post.
Uncategorized | Comment (0)thoughts on 2008
I stayed up late last night, browsing and updating Karen’s and my friendster accounts. I have uploaded photos of our last Christmas with Karen. I had to take a deep breath every few seconds as I remebered how happy she was at our last reunion. She enjoyed herself so much, which looking back now, was quite unusual since she was not the type na bumabangka at family reunions. Pero last year, talagang inangkin niya ang magic sing!
I had to remeber again everything that transpired during the first half of this year. My pains and loss, realizations, and attempts to move on. At the end of each year I always ask myself if I had a good year or not. And I always declare each year a good one, baka a matter of perspective lang. That’s how I usually am. I look at things from a good light.
So how do I declare 2008? It was the toughest that I’ve been through, but still definitely good. I have lost someone, but realized other wonderful blessings that I’ve always had but probably took for granted.
I have always had a good relationship with my husband, but this year was exceptional. This year we bid goodbye to to some petty issues that have been lurking for quite some time. And I felt, more than ever how he loves me so. I asked him once, “paano kaya pag nagaway tayo, sino nang pagkwekwentuhan ko?” to which he answered, “I will try my best na wala tayong pagawayan.” And he really did not have to try very hard.
I also appreciate friendships more. I have gone out much more with other friends for dinners, movies, coffee, or a few drinks. I realized that I have so many wonderful friends whom I may have been taking for granted before.
And then there’s my faith, which was put to a test, and was shaken a little for a little bit of time. Death becoming so real to me, has changed my prayers so much. And celebrating mass and saying “AMEN” to “life everlasting”..will never be just an answer to the priest but will always be true prayer from the bottom of my heart.
Haaay! What a year!
I attended Tara’s Christmas program last week. It was a cold December morning at a clubhouse here in QC. Joel took photos and I watched as Tara sang “Away in a manger” with her classmates. She did the actions gracefully and smiled once in a while to me. I remember feeling at that precise moment that my life was perfect. It is such a blessing that I am thankful for, to feel once in a while, through my daughter’s smile, my brother PJ’s laughter, the company of good friends, a cup of warm coffee on a cold morning, a good book, and through my husband’s love, that life is perfect.
Uncategorized | Comments (2)over dinner with hubby
I’ve had a long, tough day at work today, so it was simply wonderful when I finally had dinner with my hubby tonight. The day had been so exhausting that I thought, for a minute or two, that I did not have the appetite for a meal at TOSH. I nevertheless ordered penne with eggplant parmigiana, thinking that my favorite veggie would comfort me. Our orders quickly arrived and we took our time eating and exchanging stories of the day’s events. My husband told me about a friend of ours who was asking his opinion about marriage. And Joel said that he told our friend many things, but the bottom line was “when in doubt, don’t”. I thought he just practically scared the person off! Which, I would have to say, was the right thing to do.
If I were the one who was asked what I thought about getting married, I would also say the same things and add a few more. I would probably add that there is no guarantee that the person you marry will continually be the most wonderful person in your life. That things may get ugly and that at the lowest point you’d wish there was just some way out. But on the other hand, marriage also promises a chance for that certain kind of peace, comfort, happiness, security, and love. It gives you that chance to sleep soundly at night knowing that there is another person in this world who will share everything that life throws at you, happy or sad, good or bad. And it gives you hope that after you have battled the storms, when youth and luck have come and gone, at the end of it all the two of you will still have each other. Oh, I’d most likely scare him all the more when he hears the words battle and storm!
I would then just probably have to add that marriage is a leap of faith or that it’s like a box of chocolates…you already know how it goes.
My husband and I finished our meals at TOSH. We spent the rest of the evening enjoying ourselves as we picked out Christmas presents for the inananaks. I seemed to have forgotten the stress from work because I have since then been smiling all evening.
Uncategorized | Comment (0)On a monday evening
This has to be a quick post. It’s 11:20 PM on a Monday night. I should have started getting ready for bed about an hour ago but I was going through Karen’s and my blogsites, and I realized that “My Place in the Sun” was totally disorganized! So i made some changes with the layout and am still trying to figure out what to do with the ABOUT on the upper right corner of this page. I’d have to think of something really good to put there, specially since My Place in the Sun is my very first baby. I am actually considering keeping this blog updated again, instead of posting on my other two blogsites and linking it here.
Oh anyway, I actually just posted to give the new layout a try. I am actually in quite a hurry because I would like to get started on wrapping our Christmas presents (yes, at this time of the night!) I am thrilled about wrapping gifts this year because I would be doing something good for our planet. Oh yeah, thanks to my beautiful 5 year old who is crazy about mother earth… I was inspired to recycle! I’ll be able to put all those GQ and Vanity Fair back issues from brother to good use..I’ll use them as giftwrap. Mala-highschool style sa Sacre dati!
Hmmm..maybe I’ll post the presents here when I’m done wrapping them all.
Uncategorized | Comment (0)My new blogs
I have two new blogs.
Storybook Mommy is a blog that tells my stories about motherhood and being a wife.
Over two cups of coffee will document my thoughts on life, anything in the sun, and hopefully my journey as i move on after Karen’s death.
I have just started these blogs and i am still learning how to go about maintaining them. They have been keeping me preoccupied these days which is good because i need to keep myself at least busy, if being inspired is too much to ask for.
So please visit them and I’d be really happy to see your comments if you happen to have any thoughts on my posts.=) Thanks!
Visit Storybook Mommy at http://storybookmommy.blogspot.com/
Visit Over two cups of coffee at http://chimoveson.blogspot.com/
Uncategorized | Comment (0)eleven days after
It’s been eleven days since Karen passed away. We still have
not been able to go back to our regular routine. Ate Mila had to take an
emergency leave so we do not have any household help right now. I haven’t had
the chance to catch up on sleep. I finished the laundry that Yaya left na nakababad, from 10 pm to 2 am last
night. I’ve been very tired. I have lots to do but I’m not complaining becaise I like keeping myself busy.
I’ve been coping. I’ve always tried to cope from the day I
first learned that Karen’s lupus was active again. We coped with it together,
along with her family who supported her. If you wondered why I never mentioned
in my posts just how seriously ill she was, it was because Karen did not want
everyone to know. The past few months had been so difficult. Karen never got
any better from the time she was hospitalized. At one point I even did not have
the courage to face her anymore, because she was so weak and I no longer trusted
myself if I could still manage to smile in front of her. But I did manage. I managed
to hold her hand and pray for her on her death bed. I managed to shop for her
white dress and choose her coffin the morning she passed away. I managed not to
cry at her wake, not until the eulogy. I managed to prepare her photographs,
AVP (together with my hubby), her giveaways, thank you notes, hand outs
regarding her last days. I managed to inform all of her close friends so that
they may have the chance to bid her goodbye. It still baffles me how I was able
to do all of those things. Perhaps because she had told me when she was
starting to be sick in January, “I cannot die because I would not be able to
bear what you and Daddy will have to go through if I died.” So I had to put
myself together. I couldn’t break down.
And because of what she had said, I think I never really
gave myself the chance to sit down in silence and just let it all sink in and
then let it all go. To allow myself to cry like a child, to feel hurt, scream
if I have to, just to let all the pains go along with my tears. Would I feel any better if I had done that? Can
I do that now and if I do, will it ease up this pain I feel? I don’t know.
Not everyone in the world is fortunate enough to experience
the kind of friendship that Karen and I shared. I had always thought that it was
such a blessing to have another human being in your life whom you know you can
rely on anytime and for anything. I would even tell her "if anything happened to me and Joel, ypu will take care of Tara ha". Having Karen around secured me that I will
never ever be alone. Don’t get me wrong, my husband is a wonderful, wonderful
person, but you know that couples sometimes fight, and when my husband and I
do.. Karen was always there to listen to me, or pick me up if I wanted to
unwind for a while. So what do I do now that she’s gone? I don’t know.
Who do I turn to now? Who listens to me now… the events of
my day, my fears, my dreams, my opinions of other people? Who would really care
enough about me, what I felt, or what I wanted to say? Who else would love me
that way? I don’t know.
God gave me 28 years to be with Karen. I enjoyed her all those years. We were
friends since we were babies. Thank God for those 28 wonderful years.
“Puso’y lumaban
man….walang magagawa..”
Those 28 years are over.. ..I’ll take it from here,
Karen.
Karen’s last days
It was in January when we all learned that Karen was observing something different with her body. She announced on her Friendster blog that she’d been waking up with swollen eyes for the past weeks. She was certain that it was a manifestation of her Lupus since the exact, same thing had happened when she was diagnosed to have Lupus in 1991. Her blog post was entitled “This is it”.
Her family was able to convince her to go to the doctor to have her self checked. Karen hated hospitals. I offered to go with her to the doctor if she needed some support. She said it’s okay because her daddy will be with her. Her Lupus was rapidly attacking her body. She gained roughly 10 pounds in a week’s time. It got to the point where she was already having some difficulty moving around and breathing. In one of her routine check ups, she already had to be admitted at the hospital.
She stayed at the Makati Medical for about two weeks. After she was discharged, I visited her in their home in Bulacan. I brought her a grande sized Frapuccino from Starbucks, as she requested. I was surprised when I arrived at their place that she had also bought some red Ribbon ensaymada for me. “Binilan kita ng red Ribbon kase hindi mo ko dinalan niyan nung dinalaw mo ko sa Makati med”, she joked. In our conversation that evening she said, “Ate God is sooo good. He did not allow Daddy to worry about money this time”. The family was able to use her HMO for the hospital bills. Karen looked happy to be home. She was bloated but did not look tired.
For the days to come she continued to gain weight due to her lupus. I do not know the medical term for it but it’s what we normally call “manas”, her kidney was not functioning well. She found it more difficult to walk but was so eager to go back to work because she worried about finances. She went to work for a few days even if that time she already looked different because she weighed about 35 lbs heavier. It did not take long before she needed to go back to the hospital.
Her 2nd hospitalization was more difficult. She was in pain, she couldn’t eat, and was always throwing up. She was already undergoing chemotherapy for her lupus. She stayed for about two more weeks in the hospital. She went home around the second week of March. She was weak when she went home. She would stay in bed all day, had a hard time sitting up, and eventually had to use a wheelchair. She did not speak much. She ate very little and threw up whatever she ate. She didn’t even have the energy to reply to text messages.
Around the first week of April, Karen did not want to be left by herself in the room. She would always ask her mom to stay in bed with her. One time she said “Mommy wala na kong hihilingin pa, naging maligaya na ako”. About this time also, I received a text message from her. This would be the first and last text I’d receive since she started to get weak. She said “Marami akong naiisip but I leave it all up to the Lord. I completely surrender. I miss you!
‘"
On April 8, Karen went to the hospital for a routine check up. She was extremely weak, had fever and her stomach was extremely painful. My husband and I rushed to the UST hospital that afternoon. I saw her at the ER. Her face was extremely pale, she had been losing hair because of her chemo. She was wearing my Christmas dress that she had borrowed from me. She tried to smile. “I love you ate”, she said. I smiled and kissed her forehead. “Wala na kong buhok” , she said. “Di bale bibilan kita ng wig sa SM paglabas mo”, I answered. She said she was hungry. I offered her the Red Ribbon ensaymada that I brought. I had made sure that I had pasalubong for her this time. I helped her eat, assisted her when she threw up. I kissed her and said “In fairness, you smell so good”.
I kissed her goodbye at 8:30 pm. She was still at the ER and was just waiting for her room to be ready. I said we needed to go home because Tara, my daughter, was waiting for us at home. She nodded her head.
A few minutes after, we were on our way home. I received a call from Sheryll and Tito Rey. “Hindi nagsasalita si Karen, umuungol lang”. We rushed back to UST. I ran from the lobby all the way up to the fourth floor, to her room. She was striving to breathe. “Karen its ate, do you hear me?” She was not reacting, her eyes were open but she does not seem to be seeing me at all. I began to panic, to be hysterical. I was slapping her face and asking her to listen to me. The doctors started coming in the room. I watched as they placed her on artificial respirator. For some strange reasons, I stopped to cry. My hands held her feet as they put her on respirator. When the doctors were done, I held her hand. Tears rolled down her closed eyes. “Karen, I love you. Don’t worry about us, Don’t worry about yourself. We will all be fine. If you can hear me you pray along with me..”. I prayed for her. I felt her held my hand tighter. At one point I tried to remove my hand from hers and she pulled me back.
We left, Joel, Kuya Allan, Sheryll, and I, after some time. Tita Bell and Tito Rey were left to watch over Karen. At 5 in the morning, April 9, we received a call from Tito Rey. Karen had cardiac arrest. He said that we will just wait for the second cardiac arrest. The doctor said, there was only a 10% chance she will survive. She passed away shortly after that. This is it.
I wrote this because a lot of people were surprised by how fast things had happened. Some of her friends did not even know that she was sick. Her closest friends know, though , that she has had Lupus since she was 11 years old.
As her bestfriend I feel sad because I will miss her and I honestly do not know how life will be for me from now on. Karen is a big part of me, of our family, our household. But more than my sadness, I really, really do feel a certain kind of happiness and peace, that her pains have ended. I know for sure, 100%, that she had lived life to the fullest, that she had no regrets, that she had forgiven and had asked for forgiveness, and that all throughout her life she had always been very thankful for all her experiences, good or bad. She would always say “Minsan nakakahiya nang humingi kay Lord dahil ang dami niya nang binigay sa akin”. I know that she has surrendered to our creator before she passed away.
We will all miss her. I hope (and I know that Karen wishes this also) that we can all try to be happy. Because she considers her life as a beautiful one. It really was. And it is worth celebrating, everyday! Let us celebrate her life..and thank God that she gave us the blessing of loving Karen and being loved by her in return.
… April 12, 2008
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